Praise.

"I reached the top, and realized, I'm not mad at God anymore."

Thank you Lord for being so persistant on not giving up on her. I know that you love her. I know that you are looking out for her. Tell her she has purpose, tell her that you love her. Move in her. She felt the Holy Spirit up on that mountain. I ask that you never let her forget that Your Spirit lives in her. I ask you to challenge her in forgiveness. God, YOU ARE ABLE. Thank you.

Giving it all to You

ok. so this bitterness in my heart, and trying to overcome it, is hard. though my bitterness is getting better, it is by the grace of God that is helping me out. In chapel yesterday, we talked about earthly wisdom & heavenly wisdom, and how much we use our earthly wisdom and forget our heavenly wisdom. we, as Christians, pray for wisdom all the time [well i do. so maybe i'm over generalizing. call me out if you need to], but i don't think we practice the heavenly wisdom that we are praying for, rather we use our earthly wisdom and bring one another down because we feel so superior to so-and-so. I felt extremely convicted when our campus pastor told the congregation that. it's.true. SO true. sooo, you're asking me, how does this play into bitterness in my heart? well, friends, let me tell you!

i was sitting in chapel last night, and i saw a certain person who normally, i am extremely bitter towards, BUT when i saw said person, there was no bitterness!! goodness gracious, did it feel so good. the Lord is healing my calloused heart. the Lord is healing my bitterness, in which the root of bitterness is sadness. instead of sadness, the Lord is giving me JOY! i noticed that i was using my heavenly wisdom, rather than my earthly wisdom. i didn't feel this rush of anger towards this person. can i just tell you, that it is the most freeing thing to just give it to the Lord?! it came to me last night, that when i am bitter, instead of harboring it up inside me and letting it sit and boil, i am going to give it to the Lord. for the things i can't handle, i know my Heavenly Father will take care of it. it gives me peace that me, being a fallen human, can "cast all my anxieties on him because he cares for me" (1 Peter 5:7).

how blessed are we to have a Heavenly Father that knows our deepest needs, and provides it for us?

why is there SO much bitterness in my heart? i need it to change. i need it to stop. and i mean it. it's like this bitterness has such a stronghold on me. i am wrestling with this. Lord, show up. I need you to fix this area in my heart;soften my heart. where are You? i am frustrated. CHALLENGE ME. no more of this bitterness. i want out. heal me. change me. work with me. do anything, i just need it to fly fly fly away.

theme

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gINtHqwjr2M

Full

My heart is full.

Thank you, Lord.

CHRIST AT THE CENTER!!!!

Feel it in your bones

Ok. so i had this feel-it-in-your-bones, soul-about-to-burst kind of worship tonight. one of the best. seriously. i don't think i've ever been more in tune with christ. my soul was welling up and i was ready to burst. SO much love filled in my core - in my inner being. you guys. i don't think you understand!! while i was singing, i was gasping for air. hyperventilating, as you will. i.did.not.care.who.was.in.the.room. it was just me and jesus. so beautiful. so raw. so..SOOO many things. so many emotions encompassed me. god was there. holy spirit and all. during the kaleo service on a wednesday night. october 6th - which didn't even feel like october at all. rain and cold. but heck, i don't even CARE! i will remember this day. forever and ever. UGH GOD IS GOOD!

another tangent that i'm going off on today. have you ever asked: "ok god, show me a sign whether i should be doing [insert here], or not? well this definitely happened to me today. god answered me. but in no way that i could have imagined. i was uncertain on meeting up with this certain person, but i went in with..."ok god, from this time on, give me a sign whether I should be continually meeting up with this person." HA! and boy did he answer. the conversation that was taken place was god awful (i know that's not a really good thing to say - but it sums it up pretty well). i went in with some kind of expectations that it wouldn't go awfully wrong, but it totally did. it shook me up quite a bit. so frustrating. and all that i was saying was being twisted. twisted into me looking like a bad person. making me look like i was a judgmental shrewd or something. needless to say...my point being, is that god answered me! i got what i had wanted. it is true that god works in mysterious ways. but you know what, i learned from this conversation with this person. god is SO much bigger, and the problems i face aren't even that big of a deal. it's not even about me. it's about me doing god's will. lord, take my life and do what you please. i am yours. I AM ALL YOURS. use me. and that's that. it's simple.

god is with me. god is in me. god's love is in me. i am loved.

forever ago

it's been so long since i've written on this blog that i forgot how to even compose a new one! yeah. crazy.

it's almost been a year since my last post. and let me tell you, A LOT of things happened. well i guess, it's pretty understandable in everyone's lives that a lot of things happen in a year's time, right?

i don't even know where to start.

starting at freshman year i guess, at simpson. ugh. i remember going into school so broken and not wanting to be there at all, but i knew that i had to trust God. and that He is good. and i did for awhile, but then i decided it would be easier to just settle. and to settle without God. i was complacent. i settled for friends, for school-work, who i was as a person - not even a child of Christ. i simply just.settled. and i thought that it would be okay. and it was for awhile. i had pretty good friends - we laughed and hung out, but never really had Jesus talks. but i thought it was fine. i wasn't trying to keep them accountable in their faith, if they weren't with mine. not even selfish at all right? i had a routine at school. it was boring, and a lot of times lonely. wake up. get ready. class. lunch. more class. hang out. dinner. bed. i simply had no relationship with god besides going to church on sunday, and i thought that was enough. the only relationships i did have was with friends, and my boyfriend.

both of those relationships that i had were shallow. especially with the boyfriend. it was NOT fruitful at all, and not god honoring. but i was in denial with myself, and so i thought it was okay to continue to date.

i was in denial with where my relationship was with god, in denial that i knew who i was, and what my identity was. my identity was wrapped up into so many earthly things that i forgot ultimately what my identity was/is. and that stayed that way for about most of my school year up at simpson. not until april did god truly rock my world. i was broken. so broken - something that i've never experienced before. i didn't know where to start because i was so lost. i was hopeless. i had a dear friend that stuck with me through that whole time, and what she would always tell me was that, "God is good. He is the provider of all things." and after awhile, i believed it. i believed that God's timing is perfect, and i believed that God loves me, even when a earthly love that i had failed. God still loves me, even when i fail Him. God is nothing like this world. HE IS SO MUCH BIGGER. His love will never be what we call love on this earth. His love is stronger, and will never fail. I believed that i was his daughter. i believed that my identity is in Christ. not in some boy. not in what grades i get. not in..whatever this world has to offer, but that my identity is in Christ - something bigger. and i love that. ever since the spring, it has been a journey that i walk daily with christ. we have a love story together. and i continue to relish our story. seeing what things may come day by day.

p.s. i'm sorry if this is all over the place. i'm not going to proofread it. it is what it is. raw and real. enjoy.